Rated Greg’s Top 5 Least Realistic Actor Athletes

1. Tim Robbins throwing a baseball in Bull Durham
2. Tom Cruise throwing a baseball in War of the Worlds
3. Anything Michael J Fox does in Teen Wolf
4. Wesley Snipes dribbling in White Men Can’t Jump
5. Sylvester Stallone’s boxing defense in Rocky

In turbulent times like these, a no nonsense feel-good movie is just what the doctor ordered. Battle of the Sexes isn’t exactly the zany Steve Carell vs Emma Stone tennis laugh fest that I imagined when it was first announced, but it’s a splendid, heartfelt dramedy from the directors of Little Miss Sunshine that, at the very least, will make you smile as the credits roll.

To go further, it’s not even really about the famous Bobby Riggs vs Billie Jean King exhibition match. Sure that event grabs your attention during the climax, but the focal point of the film is much more on the women’s tennis circuit of the early 70’s and its players’ efforts for gender equality led by Billie Jean King. At its core, Battle of the Sexes is a road trip movie with the same hopeful tones of other picturesque highway escapes  like the aforementioned Little Miss Sunshine or even the terrifically pleasant Netflix series G.L.O.W.

As for the leads, Steve Carell continues to play a lovable jerk quite like no other can, but the star of the film is clearly Stone, bound to continue her recent string of Oscar nominations. Well….. assuming the Academy can ignore the actual tennis played in this movie.  Neither Stone nor Carell will trick you into thinking they could moonlight in amateur tennis, but stunt doubles and creative angles will at least let you suspend belief.  Grade: B+

Rated Greg’s Top 5 Two’s

1. The Godfather Part II
2. Terminator 2: Judgement Day
3. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
4. The Dark Knight
5. Bad Boys II

I was very bullish on Kingsman 2 coming into Q3, however I should have seen a letdown coming.  The trends were there.  Back in 2010, Matthew Vaughn took on a seemingly corny premise of a high school dweeb becoming a superhero in Kick-Ass, only to turn in a stylishly violent, extremely entertaining hard R action movie (there’s a reason it made the Top 5 Superhero films this century).  A few years later came Kick-Ass 2, which fell victim to the mistakes of most action sequels, such as inserting too many heroes/villains and diluting what made the original special in the first place with lazy storytelling.

After the Kick Ass 2 flop, Vaughn took on a seemingly corny premise of a young ruffian becoming a British secret agent in Kingsman, only to turn in yet another stylishly violent, extremely entertaining hard R action movie.  Samuel Jackson’s Russell Simmons inspired antagonist was absolutely genius and the movie somehow managed to make Colin Firth as deadly as Rambo (while have it not come off as a joke).  But Kingsman 2 takes everything charming about the original and cuts it down to a vastly inferior product.

Quite frankly, Kingsman: The Golden Circle makes no goddamn sense.  It’s not like these movies are meant to be realistic, but even this film takes a little too many liberties. For one, if you kill off a main character in the middle of the first movie AND you treat that event as serious as say…Bubba dying in Forrest Gump’s arms, you probably shouldn’t bring that character back to life in the sequel’s trailer like it’s NBD.  Also, Channing Tatum’s presence in this movie is nothing but fake news.  He was a major part of the marketing however is maybe on screen for 6 minutes?  Apparently a scheduling snafu caused them to have to scale back this role, so his minimal presence is really only included in the final cut in order to hint at an expanded role in the already announced Kingsman 3.  I’m a fan of Tatum but his character Whiskey, at least in this chapter, brings zero value added to Kingsman.

On top of those easily avoidable errors, the rest of the film is just pretty forgettable…. with two exceptions.  One is an unbelievable extended cameo by one of the most famous humans on Earth that is too good to spoil.  The other is Julianne Moore as the main villain Poppy, a diabolical South American drug lord with an affinity for meat grinders. Everything she’s doing in this movie is so damn campy and weird.  I just found it to be really interesting and captivating every time she pops up, single handedly bringing Kingsman 2 up a letter grade on the RG scale.  Grade: C

Much was made about how the 2017 summer movie box office was an absolute disaster for the studios, but I don’t know, from a quality standpoint I thought Q3 was really solid!  No film was more tailor made for Rated Greg in recent memory than Atomic Blonde.  American Made might be the best performance of Tom Cruise’s 35-year career (seriously, he better get an Oscar nom).  War for the Planet of the Apes is one of the most mature CGI fueled films ever.  Okja is the best Netflix original from its relatively young catalog.  Not to mention Dunkirk, which is the odds on favorite to lead all films in award nominations and IT, only the most profitable September opening of all time.

Studios generally save the best for last, so if Q4 is able to match Q3 in terms of quality I would say 2017 has been a total success (well for movies….probably not for society).  Rated Greg’s most anticipated for Q4:

1. Blade Runner 2049
2. Call Me By Your Name
3. Molly’s Game
4. Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri
5. The Disaster Artist
6. The Meyerowitz Stories
7. Last Flag Flying
8. The Florida Project
9. Star Wars: The Last Jedi
10. I, Tonya

Rated Greg’s Top 5 New York City Movies

1. 25th Hour
2. Goodfellas
3. Die Hard with a Vengeance
4. Gangs of New York
5. Ghostbusters

The Ringer called Good Time an “instant classic New York City movie,” which on the overzealous scale, is about somewhere between People Magazine naming Nick Nolte Sexiest Man Alive and whoever came up with the name for Milwaukee’s Best.  It does use the underbelly of New York City in an interesting way and it’s definitely not a bad movie, but the hectic aftermath of a bank robbery story is way too anxiety-inducing to put up anywhere near the Top Five titles.  Simply put, watching Good Time is not a good time. It’s probably the most stressful movie I’ve seen this year.  I don’t know if the creators were being facetious when they decided to name it that, but more accurate titles would have been Queens Grit, One Step Forward Two Steps Back, or Robert Pattinson’s Opus.

While I don’t think it’s that enjoyable of a movie, Good Time really is a Russell Westbrook type 40-point triple double for your boy Pattinson. He’s basically in every frame of the film and it’s an absolute acting tour de force by him, channeling a Taxi Driver era Robert DeNiro (no joke). The transition from teen centric blockbuster eye candy to “serious actor” is no easy feat (just ask Vinnie Chase) but Pattinson has officially crossed over. It’s still early for awards contenders, but I won’t be surprised if he gets some nomination buzz for Good Time in a few months.  Grade: B-

Rated Greg’s Top 5 Young Crews

1. Michael, Randy, Namond, and Dukie – The Wire
2. Gordie, Chris, Teddy, and Vern – Stand by Me
3. The Losers Club – It (2017)
4. The Sandlot kids
5. The Mighty Ducks

The 1990 ABC mini-series IT, based on Stephen King’s novel of the same name, gave me nightmares for YEARS growing up. A sadistic killer clown invisible to adults, who lives in a suburban sewer and terrorizes children? Are you fucking kidding me? I can’t think of a scarier scenario for a 10 year old Rated Greg to encounter….well….other than the nerve-wracking proposal of calling a girl on the phone.

But within a few years you grow up and characters like Pennywise seem much less real to you.   The whole thing is just too silly, which is actually the very idea behind King’s book. IT is a metaphor for the death of a child’s imagination during one’s tween years. With the widely anticipated remake coming up I went back and looked at a few scenes from the original (like above). Unsurprisingly, the horror classic just wasn’t as scary as a remembered it.

There are really only two questions that need answering in regards to 2017’s IT remake. Is IT scary? And is IT good?   Lets tackle the former first. IT is scary but it’s not THAT scary.  A couple jump scenes here and there, a couple creepy shots, definitely less cheesy than the dated original, but all in all there’s a lot more fun in the film than the unnerving trailer would lead you to believe.  This certainly isn’t The Conjuring series, the current master class in eliciting scares.

Glad we got that out of the way.  Well is IT good?  No……IT is goddamn GREAT!  I’ll admit that with consensus rave reviews by critics coming in and a cosign by the general public to the tune of the best September opening of all time ($123 million domestic box office, a ridiculous feat for a hard R rated movie), I was ready to be a little let down.  Many times the most hyped movies are too good to be true, but IT’s not.  Scare tactics aside for the most timid, IT is flat out funny.   On the surface, the adolescent suburban bike gang film may remind viewers of The Goonies or the vastly overrated Stranger Things (you heard me), but the plethora of humor in it actually reminded me of Superbad more than anything else.  #You’llFloatToo but you’ll laugh along the way.  Grade: A-

When I decided to leave Los Angeles and move back to home to DC two years ago, a former coworker reached out to me via Facebook messenger.  She said she was shocked to learn that I was leaving the west coast.  It seemed like I had found the “perfect life” out there.  Why would I ever give up sunny SoCal and return to the DC grind?  Well, that’s kind of the dirty secret of social media isn’t it?  When your network on the other side of the country is only exposed to the utmost peaks of your exciting adventure, it’s easy to just assume that’s what someone is experiencing 24/7.  But of course it’s not all sunsets, surfing, and strolls on the WB lot.  No matter how much someone flaunts bliss via their phone, they’re likely dealing with just as much personal bullshit as you are, possibly more.

That’s basically the thesis statement of the terrific dark comedy, Ingrid Goes West.  It’s a Single White Female in the age of social media.  Aubrey Plaza plays an instagram-addicted loner who yearns for the lavish lifestyles that she scrolls through on her phone all day, every day.  After coming across the particularly glorious account of a Venice Beach based influencer named Taylor (Elizabeth Olsen), Plaza uproots her life to chase the L.A. dream that Taylor is pushing.  Sidenote: For those unaware (hi Mom), a “social media influencer” is someone who has such a large following that companies will pay them handsomely to casually promote certain products within their everyday lives. It’s basically supplanted club appearances as the #1 income avenue for D-list reality stars.

Ingrid Goes West paints a bleak picture for our narcissistic, image obsessed culture and yet I found it to be a really enjoyable and funny movie!  I always like L.A. stories and especially those that poke fun at certain stereotypes inherent within the locale (i.e. You’re the Worst, Casual, BoJack Horseman).  This does a great job at satirizing the relatively recent influencer movement and is filled out by an excellently talented cast of second generation stars.  In addition to Olsen, O’Shea Jackson Jr (son of Ice Cube) and Wyatt Russell (son of Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn) also come from famous families. While they certainly started out more connected than others, they’re just as magnetic as their more famous kin.  Grade: A-

Rated Greg’s Top 5 Movie Brothers

1. Brennan & Dale (Will Ferrell & John C. Reilly) – Step Brothers
2. Mikey & Brand (Sean Astin & Josh Brolin) – The Goonies
3. Birdie & Shep (Tupac Shakur & Leon) – Above the Rim
4. Toby & Tanner (Chris Pine & Ben Foster) – Hell or High Water
5. Julius & Vincent (Arnold Schwarzenegger & Danny DeVito) – Twins

Steven Soderbergh’s Logan Lucky is basically a hillbilly version of his most popular movie, Ocean’s Eleven. The premise is eye catching enough.  Channing Tatum and Adam Driver play two down on their luck brothers living in West Virginia who meticulously decide to rob a NASCAR race.  But before they can do anything they must recruit a group of zany characters, each with a certain set of skills, in order to carry out the heist. Highlights of the group include my favorite actress working today, Riley Keough, and a completely unhinged Daniel Craig, who’s clearly relishing the opportunity to take off the James Bond tuxedo and get weird for the first time in SIX years. Sidenote: I don’t feel bad for him one bit. I’m no actor, but it’s hard to imagine a more fun role to play than James freaking Bond. Overall, the film is good but not great. Entertaining? Definitely. But something you need to rush to the theater for? Not quite. You have to take many of the plot developments with a grain of salt, and yet nothing is more unbelievable than Adam Driver being related to someone who looks like Channing Tatum.

I actually think Logan Lucky was directed by the wrong person.  I love Soderbergh’s dark and twisty projects (Traffic, Side Effects, The Girlfriend Experience tv show) but his comedy falls a little flat in my opinion.  In a perfect world, Kevin Durant would play for the Wizards, there would be a TV channel dedicated solely to the kiss cam, and the Coen Bros. would have directed this movie.  I wanted to look up who wrote the film because it’s obvious that they were heavily influenced by the Coen catalog, but apparently the writer is unknown!   iMDB lists one Rebecca Blunt, however for whatever reason it also states that the name is widely considered to be a “fictitious person.”   So who knows, maybe it was the Coens themselves who wrote it, maybe it was Soderbergh, or maybe it was Lala from Vanderpump Rules.  Grade: B-

Rated Greg’s Top 5 Murder Mysteries

1. Seven
2. Mystic River
3. L.A. Confidential
4. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
5. Who Framed Roger Rabbit Wind River

Wind River is the final piece of screenwriter Taylor Sheridan’s self-proclaimed trilogy about the American frontier.  His first film, 2015’s Sicario, tackles the drug war currently engulfing the Mexico/Arizona border.  2016’s follow up, Hell or High Water, is a bank robbing familial saga that catapults the audience through forgotten, impoverished communities in West Texas.  And this newest feature is a murder mystery set on an Indian reservation in Wyoming, once again shining a light on a neglected faction of American society.  It’s brutally intense, sad, and yet absolutely thrilling by the final act.

I don’t know why I wasn’t more excited to see Wind River given Sheridan’s first two films, both of which are arguably, scratch that inarguably in the top 3 of their respective years.  I guess I just assumed there was no way he could keep this up.  Sometimes I think of authors like rock bands. Usually their most celebrated album is also their first, with each subsequent endeavor ultimately paling in comparison.  It just seemed too far-fetched to expect more of the same for a THIRD consecutive year.  But after seeing Wind River…..I mean…..Really?!….. Are we sure Sheridan isn’t a screenwriting robot?  He’s brilliant.  The former Sons of Anarchy actor also made his directorial debut with this film, and of course he’s good at that too, earning him 2017’s Best Director prize at Cannes.

One thing to keep in mind is that Wind River is a little slower than the other two.  Jeremy Renner and Elizabeth Olsen (insert heart eyes smiley face emoji’s) team up to solve the murder of a young woman and the first hour or so is fairly procedural (Sheridan himself deemed it CSI: Wyoming).  It does take longer for shit to pop off than in Sicario and High Water.  And that’s fine.  Like the hook of a good song, the delayed action feels earned with a compelling and thought-provoking story.  But when it does pop off, believe me shit really pops the fuck off!  There’s a certain type of chaotic realism that’s displayed during the ballistic confrontations of Sheridan’s films and I’ve really come to appreciate it (not that I’ve ever actually been in one, but it doesn’t seem like a gunfight in real life would look anything like Bad Boys 2).  Anyways, you probably want to get familiar with Taylor Sheridan if you haven’t yet.  His films contain the unique ability to peak the interests of both action junkies and intellectuals.  Grade: A+

One last item of note:  This is easily Jeremy Renner’s best performance since The Town, but I wanted to give special recognition to his costar.  Elizabeth Olsen (younger sister to the Olsen twins) is FANTASTIC.  She probably won’t, but I hope she gets a nomination come January.  Her performance as a rookie F.B.I. agent in way over her head reminded me of Jodie Foster in Silence of the Lambs.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zN9PDOoLAfg

Kathryn Bigelow’s Detroit is a good movie that is incredibly hard to watch for a few different reasons. One is the manic, fidgety shooting style that encapsulates the film. This style has become somewhat of a calling card for Bigelow as she employed it in her previous juggernauts Zero Dark Thirty and The Hurt Locker, but for some reason I didn’t find it as disorienting in those films as I did in Detroit.

Another reason is the length. Clocking in at 143 minutes, there’s at least a half hour of fat that could have been condensed. It’s just a lot to take on given the experience you are being subjugated to on the screen. I thought I was going to be seeing a movie about the start and end of a Detroit riot in 1967, however that’s really just the setting for one specific, atrocious encounter of police brutality. For roughly 90 minutes straight you’re watching some truly horrifying acts and it’s just really hard to digest without a breath of fresh air.  But I guess that’s kind of the point.  It’s a history lesson.  Bigelow and the creators are trying to send a message, educate viewers, and honor the victims of an unfathomable crime.

Again, I do think this is a good movie and I’m glad I saw it, but just be prepared to be unsettled. The best thing about Detroit is by far the top-notch acting from a young and vibrant cast. It kinda bums me out that Anthony Mackie and John Boyega are usually too busy with Avengers and Star Wars fodder to appear in interesting projects like this, but I’ll take what I can get. Also, he plays an absolutely despicable character, but I was really impressed by Will Poulter, previously known as that dorky kid from We’re the Millers. I’d like to sell what’s left of my Miles Teller stock and invest in him.  Grade: C

Rated Greg’s Top 5 Movie Heroines

1. The Bride (Uma Thurman) – Kill Bill
2. Lorraine Broughton (Charlize Theron) – Atomic Blonde
3. Imperator Furiosa (Charlize Theron) – Mad Max: Fury Road
4. Sarah Connor (Linda Hamilton) – Terminator 2
5. Chris (Elizabeth Shue) – Adventures in Babysitting

Yesterday my friend Diana called me “The Boy who Cried Greatest Movie Ever.” Which…..to be honest is a very fair dig, for three out of the past five weekends I claimed that I just saw the best movie of 2017 (settle down Rudder!). But like all pieces of art it takes time to truly assess which movies matter. After letting Baby Driver and War for the Planet of the Apes marinate in my brain a little longer I’ve simmered down a bit. I still think they’re both absolutely excellent, but they’re not better than Get Out. Sometimes it takes a week to figure this out and sometimes it even takes years, which is how we end up with very questionable Best Picture winners like Crash, The Artist, and The King’s Speech (How in the name of Zues’ BUTTHOLE! did King’s Speech beat out Social Network and Inception?).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U0-mGNSrnh0

So I’m tempted to bite my tongue when it comes to declaring anything brazen about Atomic Blonde the day after seeing it…….but nahhh I’ma do me! Atomic Blonde is THE BEST MOVIE OF THE YEAR.

Yes, yes I am you clown. Shattering my ho-hum expectations, Atomic Blonde is an instant classic and, again if you didn’t hear me the first time, THE BEST MOVIE OF THE YEAR. I say that today, Sunday July 30^th and I have a strong feeling I’ll say that again on Sunday December 31^st. It’s probably not for everyone (few films are), but this movie was created in a lab specifically for Rated Greg, an action junkie 80’s baby. 115 hard R minutes of non-stop hand to hand combat, espionage, chases, and sex all set to the tune of the best 80’s pop soundtrack money can buy? As Dick Vitale would say, ARE YOU SERIOUUUUUSSSSS?!?! Sign me up.

 

Going in, some were already nicknaming Atomic Blonde as “Jane Wick” and it does share a lot of similarities to Keanu Reeves’ uber popular John Wick. For one thing, it was made by the same director, David Leitch. He’s a former stuntman and clearly knows how to stage a fight (I’m really looking forward to what he does with the Deadpool sequel that he’s attached to). But ultimately I think that nickname does Atomic Blonde a disservice simply because it’s better than John Wick, straight up. Wick features some phenomenal action but I’m kinda surprised by it’s popularity given how corny everything sans action is (especially the sequel). In Atomic Blonde there’s no time to get bogged down by the actual plot, there’s too much chaos going on. In fact, I don’t think there’s a 10-minute interval where Charlize doesn’t punch someone in the face.   Every fight is choreographed to amazing precision and there’s one long scene in particular that people will be talking about for years to come. I won’t spoil it for you, but lets just say the guy sitting behind me was literally cackling, CACKLING in delight by the time it was over.

One last thing. Shoutout to Charlize Theron, she’s truly a badass. Reportedly she performed 98% of the stuntwork and even cracked two teeth while filming.  After seeing this I’m shocked they didn’t give her more to do in Fast 8 earlier this year.  Clearly she can go toe to toe with any of those meatheads.  Anyways, this is the best movie of the year but it’s also the most impressive performance of the year.  Grade: A+