Rated Greg’s Five Worst Superhero Movies
- Justice League
- Batman & Robin
- X-Men Origins: Wolverine
- Spiderman 3
1997’s Batman & Robin is widely considered to be the worst iteration of Batman ever created. Some circles would even refer to it as the worst movie of the 1990’s, effectively killing the careers of decade heartthrobs Chris O’Donnell and Alicia Silverstone (George Clooney obviously survived). But twenty years later, Justice League accomplishes the impossible. It surpasses Batman & Robin in sheer horrendousness and lets Clooney’s bat nipples off the hook.
This movie is sooooo bad, let me count the ways:
- Ben Affleck looks MISERABLE. He clearly wants nothing to do with the role of Bruce Wayne anymore. As poorly received as last year’s Batman v Superman was, I actually thought Affleck was one of the redeeming qualities of that movie. But here he’s basically that person in a relationship that wants out but doesn’t want to do the breaking up with, so they just act like a dickhead until the other person is forced to end it. I honestly won’t be surprised if he takes a page from the younger generation and just ghosts all of Warner Bros once the press tour is over. New phone, who dis?
- Some say a superhero movie can only be as good as its villain and Justice League’s Steppenwolf is very low on the totem pole. A god-like figure that wants to take over the Earth via a collection of magical blocks just isn’t interesting. Be better. Remember in Batman Returns when the plot was basically that Batman had to stop The Penguin from winning the popular vote in Gotham City? That was fun. Bigger rarely means better when it comes to villains.
- Terrible writing all around. Most of the jokes are given to teenager The Flash, but they come off as cutting room floor material leftover from Spiderman: Homecoming. Cyborg, the African-American member of the team, literally says “Boo-Ya” as he vanquishes an enemy. BOO-YA. What year is this?
- The following people are way too talented to be given so little to do in this movie: Diane Lane, Billy Crudup, AMY ADAMS!, and J.K. Simmons. The Simmons offense is most noteworthy because this pic of him “training” for his role as Commissioner Gorden broke the internet for a day last year….. and yet he’s in the movie for less than a minute, with full length sleeves no less. What the hell were all those curls for?!
- Wonder Woman is noticeably shot at different, “butt-friendly,” angles than her male counterparts. Maybe we’re all hyper-aware due to the recent climate change in Hollywood, but it’s just kind of tasteless how many times they show a close-up of Gal Gadot’s ass. It does a disservice to the goodwill her stand-alone film made over the summer.
All in all, Justice League is trash. There’s already a date set for Justice League 2, however the Rated Greg prescription would be to scrap those plans all together. These team-up movies (Batman v Superman, Suicide Squad, Justice League) just aren’t working at WB. Tonally, it doesn’t make sense to have a gritty, street level character like Batman exchanging inside jokes with Wonder Woman, an actual goddess. There’s something off about the super team and it’s embarrassing that what was supposed to be their biggest movie of the year got significantly out-earned by a quirky Thor sequel.
As for the stand-alone movies, I think it all comes down to leadership. Hire the right directors and I bet WB would still be able to erase the bad taste in everyone’s mouth. After all, great directors rarely make bad movies. Wonder Woman is obviously in good shape with Patty Jenkins returning for the sequel. And as much shit as I just talked about Batman, his next slated solo movie has a lot of potential with Matt Reeves (War for the Planet of the Apes) at the helm, Affleck or no Affleck. For the Superman sequels, I would write Christopher Nolan a blank check to at least executive produce and write (assuming he wouldn’t want to direct). His influence is everywhere in 2013’s Man of Steel and unpopular opinion alert: I think most of that movie is quite good. But yeah, Justice League 2? I’m sure you can find a better way to spend half a billion dollars. Grade: F